July 4, 2012
They say, “You know it is over, until it is over”. Yes it is already over- over- yet I still feel numb. I couldn’t feel any tears coming out of my eyes yet I know how painful it is, the words and the like but I think it has not fully sank in my mind. Before reaching the bus station he already fed me with alot of “I don’t love you like before” breakfast and I think I no longer hunger for his comfort. (or the emptiness because I was numb and I couldn’t feel any part of my body functioning well) I did not bother to talk or ask or beg anymore. I felt like I’ve lost myself already last night. What can I do, The guy is too insensitive- I just let him repeat it over and over if that makes him feel more of a man and more in control of the situation.
He was right, after all I deserve this. It was my fault. I still couldn’t think of any reason why it is not my fault. So be it. Upon reaching Ayala Avenue, he kissed me goodbye as if nothing happened - normal us who kiss and smile. I was too vulnerable I know, I was not angry or anything. I felt bad but still hopeful. After a few moments alone in the bus, I found myself crying. I receive a message from him how sad he was, how much he misses us, how much how much- how much… I couldn’t answer back because It was already my moment to cry - yes! at the bus and I don’t care if people noticed me or talked about me. I don’t care! They don’t know me anyway.
I had to reach home right away, I had to prep for my review anyway nothing is going to change anymore- it was broken and you may wanna know - - - I already gave the speech about something being broken instead of throwing away, you try to fix it. Blahblah. even though I know it will never change a thing because he doesn’t care anymore.
Upon reaching the house, I sent him a message that I already don’t want anymore dramas which is so not me because I know for a month I’m full of shit and dramas.. He replied and texted me the unusual way - more text more text more text. That night he called me- and I pretended as if I’m cool, I’m cool… but truth is I’m already breaking down. I’m more crushed than ever.
days passed, we seem normal, like nothing is broken. We still send each other goodmornings and goodnights with I love you’s. We still call and ask how our days went as if things did not screwed up.. as if nothing happened. But come friday - the moment that I felt very angry - - we talked and I just rant to him just like the old days, I know he’s not gonna like it but I did it anyway. The words that I was suppose to tell him which I just kept to myself for days all went out and I know he did not liked it. He’s mad. He will never forgive me and honestly, in my mind I’m still arguing to myself about “How-come-he-gets-to-say-whatever-he-wants-and-I-get-to-keep-mine-because -I’m- afraid -it’s- gonna -hurt- him -more.” I know it will just worsen the situation but I just had to get it out of my chest. I told him how inconsiderate he was, how lame..everything that made me feel bad even though I know at some point my anger will subside and I will still feel the same for him - I will still love him. always.
July 7, 2012. Saturday
He went to see me, we had a plan a week ago to go to Mercato when everything was still perfectly normal, when everything looks like rainbows and unicorns, when we were still together. He arrived and we talked inside the car. It was fine and happy like the happy us, until that night - I had to ask him on his plans about us and the next thing I knew he was telling on my face again how much I took him for granted. That really hurt me alot lot. I asked him to just drop me off somewhere in Katipunan which I think is the best way for us, to never fight anymore anyway I’m already breaking down and I’m not expecting him to hug me anymore. But of course he won’t let me ride the cab. A few moments later, I was given the chance to escape, I walked through Commonwealth ave. I know it is really insane.
This is the part where you tell me how immature I was because I couldn’t face him anymore, I just wanted to escape and wake up from this nightmare of my life. That moment, when I was walking along the dark sidewalks along Ever Gotesco mall to Tandang Sora, It came to me a realization that It is really better for us now to just set our ways apart, it is better letting go, I deserve something more rather than all these crap. I deserve a good fight…oh well. Going back, a couple of minutes, he found me. It made him really furious and hurt I can sense that. I’ve never seen him cry like that before and it’s too painful for me to see it. As much as I wanted to touch or hug him, he won’t let me. He hates me more that I could even imagine. Now I have more reasons to blame myself… - and back in his car he was shouting like there is no tomorrow. He was too furious I wanna jump off his car - for him it was too much for me to see… for me it was ok to unmask. But he was right we’ve reached our limits. As much as I still wanted to say “I love you- let’s be fine now”, I couldn’t, how could I, I don’t even know I was capable of hurting someone I love like this before. I’ve pushed him too hard it’s never gonna be easy for us to just forget what happened. Things will never be ok right away with just one sitting so I prayed and prayed. I can’t remember but at the end of the day he was already hugging me and asking me to just be ok. - and I don’t know what to say. I just sung a part of a “paalam na” (Goodbye) with my tears rolling down my eyes.
July 8, 2012 - SUNDAY
He asked me that if I’m feeling sad I could spend the day in their house and since I’m still that vulnerable girl, I went and spent the whole day in Montalban, Rizal as if nothing happened. His mom was very motherly to me and I love her so much. I’m very thankful that I got to know her more and I know I’m gonna miss her alot. .We pretended like we were before, happy funny couple- . We had a fun roadtrip just like the old days but of course we know for a fact that it will never be the same again. Not anymore. That night ended as if we are already over break up and as if we are already friends talking about the future and what went wrong with our relationship, what we learned from it. The day ended as if we are already passed break up blues.
For the next 3 days, we are still the same “AS IF NOTHING HAS CHANGED, AS IF NOTHING HAPPENED, AS IF WE NEVER BROKE UP,LIKE NOTHING IS BROKEN” … I tried to make it feel normal and he agreed to it, he invited me to go to Mercato again for the weekend even if I know, it’s already unfair for the both of us but because I am thinking of the boards and myself which is really selfish of me to do I tried to make it work that way… I thought that if I continue the situation It will make me feel better during the duration of the review and he gets to do whatever he wants… yes it was pathetic. very pathetic.
I wasn’t myself anymore. I’ve lost it and I’m losing more of myself. I couldn’t focus or do things anymore. I just wanna get rid of my heart. I prayed a lot, asked God to give me more strength. I know for a fact he is gone…